By KB, 19-May-2013 03:00:00
By KB, 12-May-2013 03:00:00
By KB, 10-May-2013 13:49:00
Just recently I feel like I have gone through a metamorphic state. To be honest, I don’t think that I am yet finally through it, but the wings have sprouted and very soon the butterfly will be ready to soar and experience all that the world has to hold.
We all must go through various stages of change in our lives and I have had my fair share of phoenix rising moments and adaptions, but the last thing I was expecting was to go through an evolving period now. Damn, I didn’t even have an enlightened moment when I was turning 30!
I guess my surprise is more to do with the fact that I am healthy, happy, content – nothing that should be a catalyst for change. Although, in hindsight I think I started the shedding of my last stage of skin back in January. Towards the end of 2012, my senses awoke to a new feeling of passion about the world around me and what was inspiring me; a new found sense of inner confidence and strength that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Since January lots of areas of my life I have been comfortable with, have been called into question; relationships, career, parenting, friendships…. I have questioned everything and anything without even realising it and now I am ready to move forward.
Friendships and relationships have been edited and new ones have started and flourished – people that fulfil my new spirit and desire to discover the world. People who support me on every level and accept me warts and all - encouraging me on all new adventures. Persons, whom I once loved immensely, I have now closed my emotions off to and with that I see individuals around me in a completely new light – that is also exciting.
My career that I have built for the past six years and has most probably been the making of me is my biggest question mark of all. For all the amazing things it has bought into my life, I no longer feel that I am on the right path and enjoying the ride – I long to do something that fulfils me, inspires me and takes me on a journey. I don’t know what that is yet or when the new path will present itself, but I am pretty sure that it will be this year and again my story will turn on to a new page.
That leads me to my questioning around parenting. My baby will be twelve in a few months, starting a new life at high school and already our relationship as a young mum and pre-teen girl is morphing. She needs me, but in a slightly different way now. She’s my best friend and inspiration all rolled in to one – her independence now offering me a new lease at life. For the past 10+years, I have been a mum, focussed on providing for little lady and being there for her every step of the way. I wouldn’t have had it any other way – but now I am getting to see me in a new light and have the time to step out of some heavy shadows and it feels liberating.
From always being the sensible one, worried what everyone thought about me, always doing the right thing, making sure everyone was happy. They are the traits that have been my make-up so far this lifetime and through that has led me to the point where I am now. I wouldn’t change that journey but the feeling of something a change inside is so hard to ignore.
I can feel it in my ability to belly laugh harder than ever, I can see it in the clothes I want to buy, I can see it in the people I want to spend time with and things that I want to experience. It’s a change that has taken me by surprise and right now I am riding the wave to see where it takes me.
Its ok, I’m not having a crisis :), I know I will never be reckless, irresponsible or not know where my priorities are, nor will I ever lose the core of who I am. This is just my shedding of a skin that has weighed me down for some years and I have finally found the strength to lift the last section and let my wings unfold. The bubbles that pop in my tummy because I know changes are afoot are feelings that I can’t remember having in a long time.
I know there are family and friends who will not be comfortable with the change in my world, who will want to hold me down or back because it is not what they feel I should be doing. But, they are most probably the same people who for a number reasons, I have made certain decisions over the years to keep them happy or to fall in with their view of the world. Those who love me unconditionally will know It’s now my time to fly and find happiness in all that I do or meet.
Now, if only my new strength could help me figure out how to ask a beautiful guy out for the first time in my life and not just give off ‘be my mate’ vibes and signals that would be extremely worthwhile. Maybe my wings won’t let me fly from the cage door until that process is complete. Wish me luck!
By KB, 05-May-2013 05:00:00
By KB, 03-May-2013 18:27:00
At what point do we allow someone to stop stamping on our heart? How often do we allow our laidback supportiveness to be mistaken for thinking that it’s ok never to put someone first or not make an effort? I still don’t think I have found the answer after all this time.
I have decided that in personal life choices I need to get tougher and allow some of that self-preservation to creep into my life, no matter how alien of an instinct that is.
In the past few months, I have found a special friend who has come into my life. She, like me, can seem a little spikey and hard to get to know at first – giving yourself, love and friendship away discerningly – but once you are in the fold and under the skin, we will have your back always. I love the fact she champions me on my positives, gives constructive advice on a business level and is truthful enough to let me know when I have made a faux pas.
And, therein lays the problem. My ability to have your back and love unconditionally once you are in the fold and being unable to realise or admit when someone is no longer deserving of what you give out. The fact that as an individual you aren’t emotionally draining or demanding, the fact that you are interested in the other party and their day at work – genuinely, and you do want them to smile, be happy and be their own person all the while supporting them in anything and everything. When a love is true and pure, you want the person whom you love to know that is unconditional and you will support them on any path that they need to follow.
It never ceases to amaze me when observing these situations the number of times the person being loved, takes all that pureness for granted.
Many times I have seen jealous types of love, demanding types of love or relationships that are based on financial and social standings more so than they are of feeling that true deep bonding that comes when lust turns into love and commitment further down the road. Sometimes, people grow apart and love turns into companionship or a friendship type of relationship and for some that is enough to get through the day. But what happens, if a new love bursts in, unexpected, unexplained, true and special. A love with no boundaries conditions or needs.
For someone who has previously only experienced the more demanding types of love, it must be hard to know how to react with a love that floats like butterflies – beautiful and all encompassing. For them to know that it is them as a human being and not their possessions that make them lovable, the inner spirit of their soul that makes them beautiful.
What happens, when because they are not used to this unconditioned love, they take it for granted. The feelings of the other party overlooked, cast a side, always… because they know you will still love them tomorrow and you won’t put limits on them as a person. Always encouraging them to do what’s right and what makes them happy…. When does that person stop to realise that love like this doesn’t come along very often and some people won’t ever be lucky enough to experience it in their lifetime.
The truth is, people with an open and giving heart, will only take so much hurting. If a person can’t see that an effort is needed to look after a pure heart even when it’s not being requested, they will lose out. Sadly, sometimes they won’t realise until it’s too late and the heart and person is no longer there. Only then will they realise the sunshine has moved on and can never be reclaimed. A pure heart will give everything until it is unknowingly rejected too many times. Only a pure heart can then, shut down permanently in a quiet, discreet manner, never to be reopened by the person who will only realise too late – that they made a mistake. We all need to learn in life that if you only realise after a pure heart moves on how much you wanted or needed them, you never deserved them in the first place.
By KB, 30-Apr-2013 12:10:00
Skipping forward a few laparoscopy’s later and being advised that laser treatment was not a possibility due to the location of endometriosis tissue, (bladder, bowel and pouch of douglas) I was put onto hormone tablets (Danazol). The side effects that were advised were a lot to take in – but at that stage, the idea of stopping my periods, reducing my pain and hopefully stopping the growth of any further tissue was enough to make me decide to go ahead with the treatment.
The consultant advised that due to the location of my endometriosis it may be hard if impossible to fall pregnant. The reason being that although I could produce eggs from my ovaries and they could travel down to my uterus as there was no issues with these areas, the fertilised egg would not be able to attach to the wall of the womb and I would continually miscarry. For me at the age of 19 – that was a bombshell!!
After a couple of years of taking medication, the tablets had made my curves disappear; reducing me to a size 8 dress size from a 14 and dropping to an A-cup from a DD. Apart from that, I was doing good and life was a breeze, until that is my consultant hit me with another knock. I had been on the medication for as long as was recommended. Although, the tablets had managed to improve my condition slightly they hadn’t made a massive improvement to my condition. Therefore, if children were something I wanted in my life the best time to conceive would be within one year of finishing Danazol. If I left it any longer my chances would fall annually.
So that was my decision pretty much made, to try straight away and see if I was lucky enough to be blessed with a child. The difference between choosing not to have children and being advised the choice is out of your hands is a much different place to be in and to take in and make sense of.
Having little lady at 22, meant I missed out on a lot of experiences that most 20 somethings have, but I wouldn’t have swapped it for the world. Now, she is off to high school whilst I am still young enough to have ‘me time’, have some fun and do things together as best friends do whilst friends of mine have just got married or are starting to think of families. I guess I just did my sensible and structured part of life and parenting the other way round!
As for the future, I don’t know what it holds. I would never say never, but I think my child bearing days may be over. To go through it again would be like starting all over again in an only-child situation. It would take a strong, honest man and the right situation in all areas to make me feel broody – as that is not something that I feel at all. The school gates are enough to make me feel thankful that that part of my life is now over! But in all seriousness, I’m not sure what my body has planned for me. It could be, I meet the right person and feel that I want to create a life with him and it’s my body that says no, not my mind. Who knows what life has planned for us or where our path leads. Of what I am certain, is that whichever path presents itself will be the right one for me and little lady.
By KB, 28-Apr-2013 05:00:00
By KB, 16-Apr-2013 09:43:00
Last week I managed to escape for a few days to spend some time with the little lady away from the demands of everyday life and reflect upon the past few months.
How great it was to take some long seaside walks, taking the time not to rush. To engage in some playtime that consisted of chess, draughts and monopoly and not have to say ‘I’ve don’t have the time’ because there is always something far more pressing which doesn’t make you feel guilty for sitting down and taking 15 minutes out, even though that time is precious to our children.
Being in the company of my little lady for a few days after a hectic few months brought home to me just how much she has grown up. Looking at her across the table and catching up on what’s happening in her life, I saw flashes of my curly haired toddler whom I helped to walk and cuddle to sleep when she was crying through teething or singing songs and dancing in the bath. In a blink, I realised that she had grown up and was now entering a new phase of her evolution; A feeling that was tinged with both happiness and sadness.
I sometimes still struggle with the guilt of not being able to have given her the perceived ‘regular’ family upbringing and know I have overcompensated in other areas to make sure my child would not be another media statistic. The fact that it has been ‘the two of us’ for so long and how intertwined our lives have become (although we have an amazing relationship due to this) I sometimes feel it has had its downsides for her without either of us really recognizing.
We had some very grown up discussions whilst we were away, some that were a little hard to have – but she is at the age now whereby we needed to have them. My heart aches a little and a tear comes to my eye when I realise I now need to let her spread her wings a little bit further then she can under my protective arms. She needs to go and engage with far more people than just wanting to hang out with me. She is my ray of sunshine – but she now needs to spread that to the world.
With senior school coming up, she needs to be able to stand on her own and be confident without me there by her side. It will be a new for both of us, but something that we must try and see where we go with it. She is starting two new clubs this week to help her become a little more independent and streetwise – naivety is no longer an option – that is the world we live in.
However, after the atrocities in Boston yesterday – she did curl up asleep in my arms and I did hug her that little bit tighter. She will always be my baby no matter how old she is or wherever she may go. But for now, I need to encourage her to fly.
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